Trying to be Grateful

Perhaps one or two of you (out of our readership of 3?) have noticed an unusual lack of AMAREE written posts. Yes, I have been somewhat slackidasical. (I know it’s not a word. But it should be!) Any time I have sat down to write a post, I have been on the verge of tears and I have not wanted to make my post a complainy, whiney, “wo is me” type entry. SO I haven’t blogged. And I haven’t had any pictures to post lately, since I don’t have a camera handy right now, so photos are out of the question too. 

The past couple of months have been very challenging for me. I understand things could always be worse, but right now I am just struggling with what I have been dealt. Perhaps part of it is that I am now 8 months pregnant, and therefore am especially tired, winded, begining to be really uncomfortable, feeling fat, and have been particularly emotional. Part of it is being away from my husband for the past 4, going on 5 weeks now with only the weekends to spend with my helpmeet and companion. Some of my dispair can be attributed to feeling homeless and uncertain about what the next week will bring in regards to my husband’s job or our living situation, let alone the next month or two. And there is the lingering fear of what will happen once this baby is born… Will our family be together again? Are we going to continue to be separated by 89 miles, except on those short weekends mentioned by my husband below? Will I still be living in my in-law’s basement? Without my husband? With nobody to help me with all three kids once there are three, when lately it feels like not one of them is sleeping through the night, when I will hardly be able to get around for the first couple of weeks? I am terrified, scared, sad, and lonely at times, and it has been a challenge to be positive.

Well, this is “Thanksgiving Week” and I have felt very little gratitude for what I have been blessed with. We sang this hymn at church yesterday– Count Your Blessings– and while I usually just sing this hymn without thinking of the words, I did yesterday. 

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

SO, I am going to try to post a positive, gratitude filled blog entry. Because I need a little more gratitude in my life, apparently.

1.  I am grateful for my husband. He is trying his very best to provide for our family, to find for us the best situation, both with his career and with housing, and to prevent further difficulties on me or on the boys (which, I suspect is why we are still in Great Falls and he in Shelby. Less moving!) He loves me, and has been patient with my lately consistent and rather uncharateristic crying and sorrowing and moping.  He can make our boys laugh like nobody else. And he calms me.
2. I am grateful for Temples. On Saturday we had the opportunity to go to the Billings Temple and to do some Sealings. I had hoped for answers to my prayers– rather, the answers that I wanted to my prayers– and while that did not exactly happen, when I prayed for the right thing (peace, comfort, that kind of stuff), I was given at least a little helping of what I needed, enough to get me through this next little bit, anyway.
3. I am grateful for the gospel, for scriptures, and for my faith. I have been reading from the Doctrine and Covenants lately (trying to finish it before the year is through!!!) and have been surprised at how often I have found comfort in their verses. I suppose this shouldn’t come as a surprise to me, seeing as the early saints had a lot of turmoil and uncertainty in their lives as well, much more than mine, and were in need of some comfort and verbal hugs from Heavenly Father. But they have been nice to come across, and their comforting words have come at a time when they were very needed.
4. I am grateful for Kade and Charlie. While they may drive me crazy sometimes, and while I am perhaps not even in the running for the “Best Mother of the Year” award right now, I love those two little boys dearly. They are most often so sweet, so loving, so fun to be around. I love when Charlie goes to wake Kade up from his nap and says, “wake up, sweet brother!”, or when Kade shares something voluntarily with Charlie, just to be nice, or when they cuddle in bed with me in the morning. I love that they want, insist, even, on doing family prayers and nightly scripture study together. I love their giggles and their smiles, and their kisses and hugs.
5. I am grateful for my in-laws, who have put up with me and the boys this past month, and will continue to allow us to stay with them indefinetely until our life gets a little more settled. While I really wish I wasn’t here, it is not because of them, but rather that I would prefer to be in my own home, with my husband. They have made my life as easy as they can during this transitory period. The boys have had a chance to get to know and love them better, to play cars with Grandpa, and to sit on Grandma’s lap and read her stories. We have been fed and sheltered, and I am grateful for that. They have given me my space, and have had no expectations of me. For temporary housing, I really could not have fared better. They are wonderful people, and I am so blessed to have them as family.
6. I am grateful for my friends. Whether they be long-distance phone/Facebook friends, or the face-to-face friends I have here in Great Falls, my friends have been a huge comfort and support during this recent moping, lonely, and scared stage of mine. It’s comforting to know that I can cry on their shoulders, and sob my life away to them, and they still love me and have confidence in my ability to sort things out in the end. While I have occasionally resented being in Great Falls these past several weeks, my friends here have made this much easier for me and have given me the love, patience, friendship, and the ears I have needed. I can count on them, and I do (too much, maybe?) and it’s nice to have their support.
7. I am grateful for the VAN. My in-laws have a very old conversion van they have let me use at my disposal. While it may suffer from severe gas-a-holicism, at maybe 6-8 miles a gallon (We don’t really know because all the odometers on the van are all broken, but it certainly doesn’t get many miles to a gallon!) it also gives me some much needed freedom to get groceries or to just get out of the house. It’s a beast, but I’ll gratefully take this beast!
8. I am grateful that Aaron does have a job right now. We have insurance with this baby. We have an income right now. We can pay our bills. While we don’t know what will happen in the next few days, weeks, or months, we know we have a job until at least the end of February, and we also know that there are quite a few people still fighting hard to make sure that we continue to have a job past then. I hate the uncertainty that is still ahead of us, but we know we’ll be provided for, one way or another!
9. I am grateful for “the ground”, a rug with roads and buildings and stuff on it. My inlaws have one that’s probably 3 1/2 feet X 5 feet. It’s the kind kids use to race their hotwheel cars on. My boys, for the past 4 weeks, have probably spent 3 hours A DAY, at least, playing on this rug, independantly, happily. EVERY DAY. I bought one just like it for Christmas for them, because I can’t imagine my life without it anymore. It’s been that nice.

I do have a lot to be grateful for, and I am. And this week, more than I have been the past few weeks, I vow to make a better effort to find the blessings I have been blessed with. I have much more than I deserve, perhaps, and for that, Heavenly Father, I will try to be more grateful!

*I have been doing some thinking after I posted this entry, and seriously, I must be such a “cry baby bed wetter” as Aaron puts it… I suppose the thing I struggle with the most is being apart from Aaron, which I totally despise, and the greater worry of being apart when we have this baby. Thank goodness he’s not military! Sheesh! What a wimp. Take a man pill Amaree! LOL Things really aren’t so bad…